Don't take the girl.

if you must speak


Ironic that the girl who introduced me to that song was the one taken too soon.


Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - 03:21 p.m.

Death is not fair. It takes people away before it's time. I don't understand it. Good people shouldn't die young. But they do. And then we are left here to deal with it. It doesn't make sense. And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make a difference, as hard as I try. I wish that I could make all the pain go away, that I could take the suffering from everyone that it hurts. But I can't. I have to watch people suffer in the pain of sudden loss, and all I can do is stand back and cry. I hope that I can just learn from those taken away and change the world with the knowledge gained from them.

Tara, I haven't talked to you since elementary school, but you are still in my heart. You're gone too soon, but your death will not be in vain. You will forever be in the thoughts and hearts of everyone who ever had the good fortune to meet you. I'll see you again someday.


Friday, July 4, 2003 - 12:00 p.m.

This year has had too high of a death toll. And the latest was someone I hadn't even talked to or seen in probably seven years. Tara Granno. But without her, I would have never been exposed to country music. At least not in elementary school. I still remember watching her at talent shows. If it's possible for a third grader to fall in love with a singer, I did, with her. I'm sure she wasn't my first crush. And I know she wasn't my last. But she was still a friend. And she's still gone. So remember, when you think about getting in touch with someone you haven't seen forever, do it. And keep her family and friends in your prayers.


Monday, June 30, 2003 - 08:46 p.m.

The best feeling in the world: making someone you care a lot about smile.

The worst feeling in the world: when someone you care about suddenly decides to ditch you at the last minute.


Saturday, June 21, 2003 - 10:43 a.m.

Laconic made an attempt at a reunion last night. Gabe, Warren, and I played at Stephens Middle School in a show we kind of got at the last minute. And I'm sure that the three of our fans that came enjoyed it. I'm not kidding. We called over 100 people, at least 75% of whom said they'd be there. But only Brittany, Rachel, and Rachel's little sister came to see us. And a few other people who happened to be there for the other bands. Oh, but we can't forget about all my friends that showed up a half hour after we finished. Got to give them credit for keeping their promise to come. Sorry to be cynical, I'm just in one of those moods right now where I'm realizing the futility of a post-high school existance. My "friends" have all moved on from me, which is actually just fine. Friendships are nothing but a disollusionment except for in a few special cases. So a big thanks to everyone who helped me realize that.


Wednesday, June 18, 2003 - 10:27 p.m.

It seems that webpages are going out of fashion. No one updates anymore, despite the fact that it's summer and we have all the time in the world. And no one reads them. Or at least not mine. But that could be because I don't update. It's a vicious cycle.

So summer has begun. It's weird. I don't know that I've fully grown accustomed to the fact that I'm going to be in college. I'm fully aware of it, and very much excited by it, but I still am subconciously expecting to go back to South in the fall or something. It just has become habit. I still hang out with the same people. I still feel the same. Only now it's long distance to try to get my schedule fixed.

Well, not much is really happening for me right now. Life is going alright. It's nothing special, but I can't complain, either. I've had some good times -- jamming with the guys from Laconic (and trying to live a dream that died long ago), staying up late watching movies and talking online, and playing ultimate frisbee. And I've had some not so good times, like trying to find a job. Speaking of which, if anyone knows of any, please tell me. I'm desperate.


Saturday, June 7, 2003 - 01:09 p.m.

So I'm updating for the first time in weeks. High school is done. Last night I graduated. Tomorrow I go to orientation and start registering for classes. Then I leave for college in a little over two months. My life is starting anew, which I've wanted for a long time. But you know, last night, looking at all the people that I may never see again...and knowing exactly which ones they would be...I kind of got sad. For the first time. I think I may actually miss some people here. But it is a necessary part of life. And those that are important will always be close. Good luck and congratulations to all of my fellow graduates of the Class of 2003!


Sunday, May 18, 2003 - 01:20 a.m.

Again, I haven't updated forever. And this time I actually have a lot to talk about. Symphony got second in the state on Monday. Not too bad, considering how horribly we played. Wind Ensemble won, so I got to go out on top. It was so amazing to hear them say "South Salem" for first place. So much energy, and so many people brought together. Lots of hugs, and lots of tears. But even more smiles and cheers.

Today (well, actually, yesterday) was the Keizer Iris Parade. I marched snare with the McNary band. That was certainly an experience. I definately am not a rudimental snare player. But I learned the stuff, and figured out more and more as the parade went on, to the point that I think my technique even started to improve. That should help out for next year. Then I sat in for Don on his float, because he wasn't there yet, and they needed a drummer. What could be more fun than jumping up on a semi-trailer and playing "Wild Thing?" Then I went and played with jazz band at the Senior Citizen prom, which was also quite entertaining and musically fulfilling.

Friday night was the swing dance, which was enjoyable, and my dancing skills were greatly increased. But tonight was soooo much better. Too bad I leave in three months. I finally found someone that might be worth sticking around for...


Sunday, May 4, 2003 - 09:07 p.m.

Wow. Prom was awesome. Definately the best experience I've ever had at a school dance. My date was both lovely and fun, and the rest of the group was sooo fun. The zoo was great, and so was the movie, surprisingly. Even though we were way behind schedule, pics were a good time, and my mom's homemade gourmet dinner was amazing. The dance of course was off the hook. Haha. Basically, the greatest night EVER.

State solo was yesterday. I didn't place in the top 3, but that's ok. I played fairly well, and I felt good about it, and that's really all I can ask for.


Sunday, April 27, 2003 - 03:52 p.m.

Wow, I haven't updated in a really long time. But that's ok, because I think that my webpage is only read by me. Anyway, I went to a really awesome concert last night. John Rueben, Sanctus Real, Relient K, OC Supertones, and Pillar. All the groups were good, but Pillar was, as usual, the best. I swear, they are SOOO good. I hope that their album does as well mainstream as it's done in the Christian market. After the show I got to meet most of the bands, and stood and talked with the guys from Pillar for a while. They liked my shirt...haha. I made a Pillar shirt with an iron-on transfer. It was neat. And they want copies of my pictures. That made me feel special. And to make things even better, they remembered the video that we made for their cover contest, and thought it was really cool. So who knows, maybe that's the beginning of connections that could someday help me out in the music business. Anyway, prom is next week, and I still don't have a group. But that's ok. I have a date and a tux, so I should be aight. Well, only 17 weeks until move in day at USC. The clock is ticking, and I'm counting down...


Friday, April 11, 2003 - 06:47 p.m.

Woo hoo! We won Valley League. Now we have to fight the Valley League curse. But I think we got some good scores, which is exciting. And big props to McNary. I really wish I was in the MDL. The whole percussion section got outstanding musician awards, because they have freaking awesome percussion parts.

Thank God (literally) for good friends. I was really upset Wednesday night and made the intelligent decision to go for a run at 9 at night and ended up at a friends house an hour later. But as usual in the past, I was saved by the Grace of God (I love being able to use that symbolism). And things are good again. I seem to be bouncing back really quickly lately. Nothing keeps me down for very long. That's a good thing, I think.


Saturday, April 5, 2003 - 09:29 p.m.

My little sister is the coolest sister ever. Today, she talked me into catching for her, because she needed to pitch. I didn't want to, because last time she hit me in the shin. So I haven't caught for her since then, which means I haven't worn a baseball glove since freshman year. But we went to my elementary school, and we played catch (I can actually throw, even though she says I throw funny). Then we played on the playground for like 45 minutes. Seriously, how cool of a little sister do I have? What other friends would act like a little kid with me like that, and think it was fun? We also discovered she can do crazy things with her eyes, so we tried to convince my mom that I hit her in the head with a ball, and she couldn't focus her eyes anymore. But we kept laughing and falling over, so it didn't really work. Man, my sister is so cool. I'll miss her next year.


Friday, April 4, 2003 - 07:52 p.m.

We beat West today. I think the score was 13-0, but it might have been higher than that. I got to play part of the fourth quarter, so I got Varsity playing time.

Stanford rejected me, along with nearly all of the rest of America. But Occidental and Santa Clara both accepted, and UO came through with more money. Not that it makes a lot of difference, but it still makes me feel special. USC still has me...


Monday, March 31, 2003 - 09:29 p.m.

So I return from Hawaii, and with an even better outlook on life. I got the USC scholarship, which is really awesome. So now I'm going there even more for sure. And I have a prom date. I asked Carissa Romanini on the plane while flying home from Hawaii. Another thing to no longer worry about. Now I just have to find a group and make plans. I learned how to surf in Hawaii, which is something I've always wanted to do. And I learned how to climb coconut trees, which i wasn't so good at. But most importantly, I met some pretty awesome people, and made some friends that I plan on staying in touch with for a long time. Except they're from California and the East Coast. Seriously, I think that I'm going to try to find a way to go the East Coast and just visit all my friends over there. Except I can't afford that. Anyway, I know that I haven't written much, but I'm tired. So talk to me online, or sign the guestbook or something.


Sunday, March 16, 2003 - 12:47 p.m.

Wow. The concert was incredible. Kutless has got to be one of the hardest rocking bands in Christian music. And Audio Adrenaline didn’t use many tracks; they actually had two guitar players. But most importantly, the messages shared were amazing, and a lot of people came to Christ last night, which is awesome.

My sister got to meet Audio A before the concert, and they remembered her afterwards while we were talking to them at Bible Book House during the autograph session. I nearly got beat up before the concert because I was wearing a USC sweatshirt (when am I not?) and UO was playing USC for the men’s Pac-10 basketball title. But UO won, so everyone just made fun of me. That’s cool, though.

I met Kutless after the show, and got to thank them for touching my life with “Your Touch.” And they signed my shoe. That was exciting.

Not much else to say right now…life is going alright. I’m just realizing how important my faith is to me. I’ve actually started trying to evangelize a little bit…finally fulfilling my duty as a Christian. I don’t know if I’m making a difference, but I’m trying to change people’s lives…that’s all I can do is try. They will know we are Christians by our love.


Friday, March 14, 2003 - 11:53 p.m.

Well, Megan, we got to hang out. Even if both Plan A and Plan B failed. The first time I ever made a girl dinner, though, so you ought to feel pretty special, even though I burned the bread. Twice. And the movie was decent, too.

Yay for South's boys basketball team. I've missed two full days of school to go play at the state playoffs, and we play for consolation finals tomorrow. I even got to do some side activities today that I wouldn't have been able to do if it weren't for my already being in Portland.

Should be a good show tomorrow night. Audio Adrenaline, Kutless, Mercy Me, and The Swift. I'll enjoy it, I'm sure, even if I don't have backstage passes, like my sister. But that's cool. I'll survive.


Sunday, March 9, 2003 - 01:11 p.m.

I'm still high off my time at USC. Seriously, if I'm like this all the time down there, it's gonna be insane. This week has been awesome, though. I started lacrosse (a week late), and it's soooo cool. I can see why everyone that plays is so into it. It is definately the greatest sport I've ever played, or watched, or anything else. We scrimmaged yesterday, which was really fun, even though I did end up with a nice cut across the back of my knee. That's cool, though. At least I didn't get laid out as much as some people did.

Last night was also the "benefit" concert for wind ensemble. We made enough to go to Hawaii, which is definately a good thing. And we leave in less than two weeks which is exciting.

So, the best thing about the past few days would definately be the cool people I've hung out with. Friday afternoon, I saw Kabe, who's been in Costa Rica since like August, and who I hadn't seen or talked to since then, which was great. I'd missed her a lot, and it was great to be able to see and talk to her again. Friday night I hung out with a group of people that I don't normally spend a lot of time with outside school. It was like something from a movie, the five of us sitting around a campfire at Spinnaker, listening to the rain fall on the lake and Brendan singing songs and playing guitar and harmonica. Brendan and I were standing on the edge of the water at one point, listening to the rain lightly falling on the lake, which sounded almost like crickets chirping quietly in the distance, and looking at the relfelction of the lights and the smoke reflecting in the water, and it was probably one of the most beautiful experiences in nature that I've had since Philmont and Hogar. I was just overcome with this amazing joy, and I had to stop right there and just thank God for blessing us with such a beautiful world, if we only stop to look around at it. Last night, the post-concert began with my "date" not working out (actually, it wasn't a real date, just hanging out with a friend). So, my plans were gone and I did the usual post-concert activity: Shari's. Only this time, Alan and Leslie came for the first time. Alan was Alan, but afterwards Leslie (who had been at the lake Friday night) and I drove around for an hour and just talked. It was pretty incredible. Quite a change from the last few years when we wouldn't talk to each other, at least not to say anything positive. But in the last few days, I really started to discover what an amazing girl she is, and I've loved getting to know her better. It just goes to show that people can be much different than you percieve them, if you just give them a shot.

Well, I've written a whole lot that I doubt anyone will read. So, if you read, react (i.e. sign the guestbook). God bless.


Sunday, March 9, 2003 - 01:11 p.m.

I'm still high off my time at USC. Seriously, if I'm like this all the time down there, it's gonna be insane. This week has been awesome, though. I started lacrosse (a week late), and it's soooo cool. I can see why everyone that plays is so into it. It is definately the greatest sport I've ever played, or watched, or anything else. We scrimmaged yesterday, which was really fun, even though I did end up with a nice cut across the back of my knee. That's cool, though. At least I didn't get laid out as much as some people did.

Last night was also the "benefit" concert for wind ensemble. We made enough to go to Hawaii, which is definately a good thing. And we leave in less than two weeks which is exciting.

So, the best thing about the past few days would definately be the cool people I've hung out with. Friday afternoon, I saw Kabe, who's been in Costa Rica since like August, and who I hadn't seen or talked to since then, which was great. I'd missed her a lot, and it was great to be able to see and talk to her again. Friday night I hung out with a group of people that I don't normally spend a lot of time with outside school. It was like something from a movie, the five of us sitting around a campfire at Spinnaker, listening to the rain fall on the lake and Brendan singing songs and playing guitar and harmonica. Brendan and I were standing on the edge of the water at one point, listening to the rain lightly falling on the lake, which sounded almost like crickets chirping quietly in the distance, and looking at the relfelction of the lights and the smoke reflecting in the water, and it was probably one of the most beautiful experiences in nature that I've had since Philmont and Hogar. I was just overcome with this amazing joy, and I had to stop right there and just thank God for blessing us with such a beautiful world, if we only stop to look around at it. Last night, the post-concert began with my "date" not working out (actually, it wasn't a real date, just hanging out with a friend). So, my plans were gone and I did the usual post-concert activity: Shari's. Only this time, Alan and Leslie came for the first time. Alan was Alan, but afterwards Leslie (who had been at the lake Friday night) and I drove around for an hour and just talked. It was pretty incredible. Quite a change from the last few years when we wouldn't talk to each other, at least not to say anything positive. But in the last few days, I really started to discover what an amazing girl she is, and I've loved getting to know her better. It just goes to show that people can be much different than you percieve them, if you just give them a shot.

Well, I've written a whole lot that I doubt anyone will read. So, if you read, react (i.e. sign the guestbook). God bless.


Tuesday, March 4, 2003 - 09:20 p.m.

Megan, we really ought to hang out sometime. We can discuss the finer points of evangalism and Catholocism. But there you go. You're talked about on my webpage. Because I'm cool like that.

So...I got accepted to the University of Oregon. Exciting. Tomorrow is the National Spanish Exam. I'm hoping for high honors, or sobresaliente. That would be exciting. It would make me happy.

Today was the honors brunch. They recognized all honor roll people. Except they only said the names of 4.0 students for last semester. So lots of people invited their parents for no reason. That's cool, though. Good cinnamon rolls. That also made me happy. I've been on a high since I got home from LA. Woo hoo.

On a really happy note, I talked to someone today who I've not talked to since November, and not seen or really had a conversation with in over 8 months. Jennifer, I missed you more than you'll never know. I really hate losing friends. Especially because when you find them, it's often too late, which is fortunately not the entire case here. But the rest of my friends, please don't let me disappear. I love you all. FIGHT ON!


Saturday, March 1, 2003 - 10:26 p.m.

Well, this week has been pretty amazing. Aside from being really sick at the beginning of the week and missing the entire first week of lacrosse practice, it was great.

First of all, I hardly went to any school. Tuesday was the only full day because I was sick on Monday and in LA on Wednesday through this morning. My dad and I drove to USC (6:30 AM on Wednesday to 10:00 PM that night and 5:00 last night to 7:30 this morning). I had the interview for the Trustee Scholarship, which is full tuition, and I feel pretty good about it. I also fell in love with the campus. It's absolutely beautiful, as are the girls...especially incoming freshman from Maryland. And the people are really awesome and nice.

After I got home, I had about an hour to shower and get ready to leave for the solo and ensemble contest. I hadn't thought that I would do very well, but it turns out I did. I ended up repeating my title as District Solo Champion on Orchestral Snare Drum. So now I'm going to state, which is the same day as prom. But seeing as how I don't have any idea who to ask, it shouldn't be a problem.

After the solo contest, I got my hair cut, and then I went to the musical. The musical was freakin' amazing. Wow. They blew the hell out of Gabriel. I mean, he's an angel, so there's not much hell to blow out of him. But still. It was really good. Even though I got lipstick marks on my cheek afterwards. But what can you do? Life is good....


Tuesday, February 25, 2003 - 09:13 p.m.

Thank you so much to whoever it is that believes so much in me. I'm really glad that I could in some way impact your life. That's the one thing that I hope to do with my life; inspire others and make their world a better place.

On a much sadder note, please pray for my friend Ellie and her horse Tommy. He's got colic, and he's really sick. They're down at OSU, and he will probably have to have surgery. He's only 6, which is really young for a horse, so he's too young for anything bad to happen. And Ellie lost her dad a few years ago, so she really doesn't need aynthing else to happen to her, either. So pray for them.


Sunday, February 23, 2003 - 08:13 p.m.

Viva Lionel Hampton. I wish that I could have seen him perform when he was still alive, but watching him on video was pretty amazing, too. The Jazz Festival this weekend was amazing. Too bad I was near death the whole time because I was so sick. I still got to see some of the most amazing jazz musicians in the world. And I got to hang out with some cool people and play lots of Tetris, which is always a good time. On a different note, whoever threw tomatoes at my car, not cool. Fortunately, they didn't do any damage to the paint (which is surprising, considering they're quite acidic, something that normally damages paint). They were, however, quite a problem to wash off. Standing in the cold washing your car is not something to do when you're really sick. And on a third note (that makes a triad), I discovered that I'm a finalist for the USC Trustee Scholarship, which is full tuition. The catch: I have an interview in LA on Friday morning. Apparantly, when they sent me the stuff, it got all mixed up with the stuff for my Eagle Court, and I didn't notice it until I got an e-mail today asking if I was still considering USC. And Redlands accepted me, and gave me a Presidential Scholarship, which isn't really big, but it's still a scholarship. SC still has my heart, though.


Monday, February 17, 2003 - 09:47 p.m.

Wow, I need to update more often. Too bad I'm never able to.

So my two weeks of "restrictions" (apparatnly, I'm not grounded, I'm under restrictions) are up, which means the contract can be reevaluated. So we discussed it. My dad spent 20 minutes trying to add an additional restriction (that I have to practice for an hour a day) until I finally talked him out of it, because if they make me practice, I won't. Then we moved on to the workout part, and my parents spent another 10 minutes deciding that it didn't make a difference because lacrosse starts in a week. We then decided I still can't leave campus. At that point, my parents decided they were too tired and they were going to bed, so the rest of the contract remains the same. Which means that I still go straight to and from school, can't take people home, can't IM, am limited in phone use, and am allowed one activity a weekend. Plus whatever little things my parents add on. Then my dad told me how I needed to improve my negotiation skills, because he knows that I've learned how to do it. But how am I supposed to negotiate when they say "Well, what do you want?" and then when I tell them what I would like to change, they say I'm whining and not accepting that I need to change. Seriously, I have a ball and chain around my ankle, but they think it's a winged sandal, I swear.

On to other stuff, the All-Northwest concert was amazing, and I'm beating myself up for not trying out. I feel like I really let myself down, because I've been told that I could have made it. Who knows how true that is, but I still should have tried. (Of course, when I tell my dad that I was disappointed that I didn't try out, he starts going off at me about how I always do that, I just make excuses and then take it out on everyone else when things don't go the way I want. Thanks dad, way to build me up when I'm feeling down. Next time he asks why I'm "upset" when he's talking to me, I'm just going to tell him it's because I never feel good about myself after talking to him, and most of the time I feel like a complete failure. It doesn't make it better when he says "Now Matt, you know that I think you're a great kid." Why doesn't he follow it with "but now let me tell you everything that's not right about you, 'cause that's more important to me.")

As far as the perennial issue of girls, I think I actually found a good girl that likes me. The only problem is me. I'm too freakin' messed up to get into a relationship, so I'll probably just end up f-ing over a perfectly good friendship that will take me months to repair. That's kinda my thing. (Speaking of my thing, my dad informed me yesterday that I have a reputation of being rude to people in public. His sources: I didn't great Tyson Wooters when I saw him at NEMC. It didn't matter that the reason I avoided Tyson was the person I was with didn't want to talk to him. My dad's response? "Tough. He has to deal with it." And his other source was one of the photographers at the Statesman says I don't great him or else just grunt when he sees me somewhere. Sorry, but when the reporters and photographers are always asking me to leave the area because I can't be in the paper, what am I supposed to do? Run up and hug them?)

I don't know why I wrote this much...no one is going to even read it, and all it does is show people just how messed up my life is. Oh well. Welcome to the real me.


Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 08:02 p.m.

To whomever wrote entry #35, thank you. I don't know who you are (though I can make some conjectures, seeing as how few people have my address), but know that it helped lift my spirits.

The grounding is interesting. I was able to hang out with Tiffany, Lindsay, Brandon, and Brandon's friend Eric on Friday night, which was cool, even though we didn't get to watch the whole movie ("Bourne Identity") because I had a 12:00 curfew, which I got extended to 12:30. And last night I actually convinced my parents to let me go to Shari's after the SYS concert, if only for an hour.

I actually applied for scholarships today. And I practiced a lot...like an hour and a half on xylophone alone. I've been working out a lot more -- running to the Courthouse and then lifting weights, etc. -- so I'll hopefully be in decent shape when we go to Hawaii, which is like 5 or 6 weeks away.

Yesterday was the Willamette Jazz Festival, and South did not do well. We ended up with a bronze award, which means we scored between 60 and 69 (silver is 70-79 and gold is 80 and above). So basically, we sucked. I can't help but think it was largely my fault...it is the drummer's responsibility to keep time and hold the band together, and I tried to get too flashy. Plus, I haven't been practicing or getting to band early enough (most days I'm barely on time). Hopefully the band will improve greatly before we go to Idaho in like two weeks, or else I'm afraid we'll just embarrass ourselves. But I think a lot of that is up to me. If I start leading the band, maybe they'll follow, and we'll get better.

As far as the two who didn't show up to my Eagle Court, one of them talked with me about it, and he had a legitimate excuse. Family is a lot more important, and I would rather have had him taking care of his sick grandma than at my Eagle Court, if that's what he needed to do.


Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 09:55 p.m.

It's amazing the feeling of self-worth you get when you're the only one in your family your little sister will talk to, the only one that can make her stop crying. I think she may be the only person who actually looks past the bad to see the good inside of me. May I learn from her example.


Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 09:18 p.m.

Just so everyone knows, guys don't need to pass their ex-girlfriends off to me. The phrase "Hey Matt, you can go for _______ now" need not be spoken. (I've now heard it from the same person twice about two different girls.) I can find girls on my own, I don't have to wait for them to have dated my friends.

As far as the grounding, I met with my psychologist and my dad this evening, and he actually picked up that something was wrong. That's like the first person that acutally picked up that I'm still depressed. My dad just assumes I'm mad at him, and therefore grounds me, and most of my friends don't see past the mask (that's kind of the idea of wearing it, though). So I get to start meeting with him again for actual counseling, which is good. I mean, it means that I didn't really get over everything last year, but at least maybe now my life will get better. That would be nice. I'd like to go to LA with my life straightened out, ready to show USC what it's been missing...

As far as Monica's comment, I'm clinging to that, but it's the same thing people have been telling me for years, and with the exception of an awesome 6 months, not a girl has recognized the good qualities people seem to think I have. Even my parents seem to ignore them in favor of focusing on my lack of motivation to get scholarships. Who cares if I got into a highly selective university, recieved my Eagle Scout, and preformed with the All-City Honor band all in a week? I'm still not perfect. I mean, shoot, I'd say I'm about at the opposite end of that.


Tuesday, February 4, 2003 - 07:20 p.m.

So I'm again grounded, this time for two weeks, and with no possibility of "parole." No matter what, the grounding remains. No e-mail, phone, or AIM (which I haven't used in like 3 weeks). No going to Weathers, or the Courthouse (even though I have to work out 3 times a week), or anywhere else with friends. Except I am allowed one afternoon a weekend to hang out with friends (although I think that the jazz festival this weekend and youth symphony concerts the next two weekends will take up that time). Why am I grounded you might ask? Well, to tell the truth, I'm not entirely sure. I didn't finish my independent study math class, so I got a "D" (but it's being changed to an incomplete, because that's what it is) and I haven't gotten any scholarships yet. My parents say that if I don't get enough money to pay for college, then I can't go because they can't afford it. But they won't let me pay for it myself with loans or whatever. That makes sense, right? "We don't want you to start your life in debt, so if you can't get enough scholarships, you just won't go to college at all." Hey, at least I won't be paying off debts while working at McDonalds, right?

In other news, my Eagle Scout Court of Honor was on Sunday. A huge thanks to everyone who was there. It was awesome that so many people showed up. I'd been expecting about 20 or so. For those of you who couldn't come, that's cool. Except in the case of two of the guys who are supposedly two of my best friends. They didn't show up, and haven't said anything about it, no "Sorry, I was busy" or even "I forgot." Just complete silence. Come to think of it, the only thing that either of them has said to me since then was a single comment in jazz band, meant to make me look bad. Go figure.

I'm also going back to my psychologist starting tomorrow, which should be good. That should help me get my head straightened out. Except if I tell him what's going on, then my dad'll will want me to tell him, and that's just not going to happen. Oh well... we'll see what happens tomorrow.


Friday, January 31, 2003 - 05:34 p.m.

Well, it's been a while since I added an entry, but I think that's ok because no one visits my page anyway. So I talked to the person mentioned in earlier entries, and we worked everything out, I think, and decided to start the friendship from square one. And for the last five days, that friendship has been great. No more tension, no more outside confussion. And growing trust. Yay.

All-City is going awesome. Working with Dr. Livingston is an amazing experience as always, and the band is incredible. The percussion section is pretty tight (and we stand at parade rest for two hours while not playing). The bonding is not something I'm used to in All-City percussion sections. The concert should be pretty awesome.

My Eagle Court of Honor is on Sunday, so I'm pretty stoked about that. Hopefully people will show up, 'cause it would kinda suck if no one was there.

And finally, I got accepted to USC. It was the first response I got, and it's also my first choice, which really got me stoked. So now I'm working on paying for it, so that I'll actually be able to go there. LA is gonna rock...


Sunday, January 26, 2003 - 08:04 p.m.

After this year's Super Bowl party, I have reached a conclusion. Football games are meant to be watched with a group of guys. There was no drama as in previous years. We watched the game, and then went out and played some street ball. No worries about best friends hitting on ex-girlfriends. There were, however, some surprise guests. Including the entire youth group (minus my youth pastor) and the aforementioned ex-girlfriend. That's cool, though. I didn't feel the normal overwhelming urge to be welcoming because I was hanging out with the guys. Everyone I'd invited was out playing football, and if they didn't want to play, that was cool. They could stay inside talking to my mom. I think I have a future as a street ball quarterback, though. Seriously, I didn't think I could actually throw a spiral before tonight, and then I did, and it went kinda far, and I lead my team to a 14-7 victory during halftime (though I couldn't have done it without great recievers like Brendan McBrien and Sam Street). Yeah. No word on the drama from previous entries...that should be decided tonight. Wish me luck...


Saturday, January 25, 2003 - 12:28 a.m.

The last entry, while conveying my feelings, is not a side of me I should show. I reacted poorly, and I realized that when I heard a message on Air1 today. Rather than talking trash about someone, I should forgive. The Bible says to pray for those that wrong you, and to use your anger for good. When in conflict, you should strive to help the other person. So with that, I apologize for earlier remarks. The pain is there, but so is a comfort only God can give.


Friday, January 24, 2003 - 11:40 a.m.

So it is all clear. I can't be trusted to be friends with someone if I used to be interested in them. So maybe it's better if they just don't talk to me ever again. That would cause less pain than if they just told me how they did or didn't feel about me. Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would just tear me apart inside because one of my former best friends suddenly didn't care about me at all. But hey, don't tell me, 'cause I "might commit suicide" if I found out I didn't have a chance. Get off of the pedestal. My life is worth more than that. And I know that now. Prom will still happen. I'll still go to college, and if I do it all without you, fine. Apparantly the only true Grace comes from God, not this world. And I have Him, so I don't need you anymore than you need me. Good bye.


Thursday, January 23, 2003 - 08:37 p.m.

Why is Washington, D.C. on the other side of the continent? It seems like the one girl that I mesh with is over 3,000 miles away from me. There's that old saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and I'd definately agree that it's true. Sometimes you don't realize how much you care about someone until you don't have them around. Jane, I miss you! It's so weird how on the phone it still seems like you're only 3 miles apart, but in real life it's over 1,000 times that distance, and not just a 10 minute drive, but several hours of driving and flying, just to be in the same city. I can't wait for you to come home.

Yay for finals being done...one semester left, and no more human biology until pre-med.


Wednesday, January 22, 2003 - 03:11 p.m.

So my only finals are done. I got an A out of Human Biology, and I don't know about Spanish, but I'm not too worried. So my GPA should be on its way back up, which is encouraging. Today was interesting, I guess, about the same as yesterday, but a little better. I still seem to be in a world of single-serving friends, though it seems that some of them may be coming back for second servings. I don't know, it's weird. Normally, I have the best friends ever, but lately, it just seems like no one is close to me.


Tuesday, January 21, 2003 - 04:40 p.m.

So the first day of finals is over, even though I didn't have to take any tests. At least I survived being at school. Tomorrow is when I'm in trouble. As I understand from Sam, the Human Biology final involves bending over and grabbing your ankles. But I'll try to study a lot tonight, and maybe I'll be ok. Or maybe it'll be curved. Wouldn't that be lucky. And I have Spanish tomorrow, which will also be rather difficult, I think. But, as Lindsey says, I'm supposed to use this to tell about my feelings, not the everyday going-on of my life.

Well, every girl that I'm interested in is out of reach now. Then I get home and my sister has a friend over, who left me a note, telling me how she thinks I'm really hot and wants to go out with me but can't get the guts to ask me out. She's even a senior. But dating her would go against my rule of only dating girls who are my close friends first. And besides, she was constantly checking her e-mail to see if her not-quite-boyfriend had responded to her earlier messages. So once again, not an option. Even Joe has a date, or at least an escort for King of Hearts. And I thought he and I would be bachelors forever. Geez. But seriously, Joe, I'm happy for you. Hmm...oh yeah. Last night my dad and I had another "talk" (we've been having those a lot lately). He had me write down everything that was making me upset, presuming that it would only be a few things. Oh no. It took at least 10 minutes, and was at least a page long. That wasn't even everything, either. My life is such a mess right now. And the worst part is, the people that I need aren't there. I feel like I'm in Fight Club. I have a bunch of single serving friends. Only their not people I meet on airplanes, their people who are my friends when it's convenient, or when they need someone. And I'm there, and give the hugs and dry the tears. But when I need someone? Nope.


Sunday, January 19, 2003 - 10:17 p.m.

Oh yeah, one more thing: why is it that the girls that are the best are always out of reach? Either they're too good of friends, or too far above you, or too old, or not old enough, or whatever. It just seems like there are never any good girls that are possible. Everytime I've liked a girl this year, it's been shot down. I'm like an unlucky goose: my friends keep honking in support, and at least they go down with me when the hunter (aka girl) shoots me down. (How's that for a peer mentor reference?) But seriously (Joe, you'll agree with this) girls need to recognize that I'm not as bad as they think. I'm a decent guy. Honestly. Ok. That's enough.


Sunday, January 19, 2003 - 10:06 p.m.

I'm actually studying for my finals. How weird is that? But I only have two, so I know that I need to do well on them, because they're the only two classes that I might not get A's in, and that would just be bad. I don't think that Stanford would like to see a B on my mid-year report. So I'll study, and hopefully I'll know enough to pass the finals with a decent grade and walk away from 7th semester with straight A's, bringing my GPA up again.

I've actually been able to have some fun this weekend, surprisingly. I went to Shari's on Thursday after the concert. Friday, I went to the swing dance. And Saturday Ellie stayed at my house for hours, then I went and saw "Just Married," which is actually a fairly decent movie. But something just snapped afterwards (see my previous entry). Fortunately, there are friends around who are willing to let me come over to their house at like 11:15 p.m., after their girlfriend's been there forever and they're still fighting a sinus infection. But hey, that's what you get when you're best friends for 18 years, right? Even if they are Communist, or at least of Russian descent (not that there is anything at all wrong with the Russians). And than God for other friends of 18 years, who teach me about Spanish pronouns and html, giving me a "pretty" font, so my webpage isn't so gross to look at. But I've written a whole lot, and I haven't slept a whole lot lately, so I really should go to bed. Sign the guestbook. Let me know your thoughts. React. Discuss...whatever. Peace.


Sunday, January 19, 2003 - 12:23 a.m.

Have you ever had that feeling that you have no idea where your life is going? And no matter how hard you try, it just seems to spin out of control? That's what my life feels like right now... And I don't know why. I don't know what went wrong, if it was a friendship, college, what. I just know that nothing seems right anymore, and I can't find myself. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'm just lost and searching, trying to find me. There's the saying "everywhere you go, there you are." Well, I'm going. And I'm here. I just don't know where here is. It's really scary. And my dad thinks something's wrong, and his way of finding out is to ground me until I talk about it, because he knows the answers to everything. But he doesn't even know me. So I'm still serving my sentance. Despite the fact that I'm allowed to go to movies and swing dances -- just not talk on the phone to arrange them. Oh boy. Finals next week, too. It just keeps getting better.


Thursday, January 16, 2003 - 05:21 p.m.

My life is like a roller coaster. I think it's up, and it takes one of those gut wrenching drops again. At least we have a concert tonight, which means Shari's afterwards. And that means less time at home. And also less sleep. But I don't need sleep, anyway. I do fine without it, until I get to Spanish. Something about pronouns always puts me to sleep. Lacrosse is freakin' badass, and it's a really good way to take out the aggression that seems to build up inside. And I actually went for a run after practice. Crazy. The week in nearly done, and then the weekend. Which includes a lacrosse clinic and possibly hanging out with friends...if I'm allowed. Translation: less time at home.


Wednesday, January 15, 2003 - 09:11 p.m.

Today was absolute hell. I got all of the applications mailed in time for the postmark, but not before I got myself grounded for a month. I made All-City, which is totally awesome, and had me stoked, but all that was wiped out by this evening. My dad and I had the worst fight we've had in probably years. I don't know how I would make it through night's like this without God's Grace. Seriously, you're so amazing. Thank you for just being the friendly voice to start bringing me back up when I've passed rock bottom. I will survive. But I won't be able to talk to anyone outside of school without permission from my parents. I'll miss you all. Keep signing the guestbook, and I'll try to keep posting.


Monday, January 13, 2003 - 07:20 p.m.

Sometimes, those we care most about are suddenly taken away from us. You don't realize what they mean until you realize you'll never see them again. Brett, know that you are in my prayers. And everyone reading this, pray for Brett and his family as they deal with the loss of his mom. And do one other thing: let people know how much you care about them. Three little words. They're not hard: I love you. It's not hard to say them, but make sure you mean it. That's all for today. Good luck on All-City auditions to those of you trying out tomorrow.


Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 04:32 p.m.

So I've come to the conclusion that girls are incredibly confusing. It seems that nothing can be too good with one before something blows up with another. But I guess that's just how it goes. It just sucks more when everyone around you is in a fulfilling relationship, or at least comfortable being single, and you can't figure yourself out enough to be involved with someone. But it'll change. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should have wrestled Jon at the Impact training. I really wanted to, I was just afraid of what the outcome might of been. Not that I was afraid of losing; I was confident that would happen. More I was afraid of what would happen between us starting and me losing. But maybe wrestling with him would have been a good way to get all those sentiments out. I think that I need to sit down and talk to him, though, instead of just being pissed off. Or maybe I'm just too protective. Eh. What can you do.


Saturday, January 11, 2003 - 05:31 p.m.

So last night was Impact III. And I slept for 20 minutes. Woo hoo. That was frickin' awesome. I actually did a slam dunk contest (we don't have to mention the hoop was only 7' tall). "Boondocks Saints" is a real good movie...and "Fight Club" is kinda weird when you're watching it at 5 AM and delirious. And what would I do without awesome friends like Tiffany who I can sit and talk to for like an hour in the middle of the night? UO, Santa Clara, and Occidental are all due on Wednesday...will I get them done? I don't know, but I suppose that I will soon find out.


Thursday, January 9, 2003 - 6:04 p.m.

Wow. I have a webpage...cool.